"It's a guy thing." ("There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.")
Can I help with dinner?" ("Why isn't it already on the table?")
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." (Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. He hasn't heard a single word.)
"It would take too long to explain." ("I have no idea how it works.")
"I'm getting more exercise lately." ("The batteries in the remote are dead."
"We're going to be late." ("Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.")
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." ("I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.")
"That's interesting, dear." ("Are you still talking?")
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." ("I forgot our anniversary again.")
"That's women's work." ("It's difficult, dirty, and thankless.")
"You know how bad my memory is." ("I remember the theme song to 'Gilligan's Island', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.")
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." ("I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt.")
"I do help around the house." ("I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.")
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." ("I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon.")
"I can't find it." ("It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.")
"What did I do this time?" ("What did you catch me doing?")
"I heard you." ("I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me.")
"You look terrific." ("Oh, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving, just wear whatever that is and let's go!")
"I missed you." ("I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry, and we're out of toilet paper.")
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." ("I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again, but I'll be damned if I admit that.")
"We share the housework." ("I make the messes, you clean them up.")
"This relationship is getting too serious." ("You're cutting into the time I spend with my truck.")
"I don't need to read the instructions." ("I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.")
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