clan joke thread

[Pee-Wee]

Well... as long as we are going down that road

A Texan, Canadian, and a Michigander (yes, they actually use the term). Were at a party. The fellow from Texas took out a large bottle of whiskey, drank it all down without stopping, threw the bottle in the air and shot it. He said "In Texas, whiskey is cheap, and bottles are plentiful".

The Canadian, not to be outdone, whipped out a bottle of beer, drank it all down, threw the bottle in the air and shot it. He then said "Well, in Canada, beer is cheap, and bottles are plentiful".

The fellow from Michigan, sat back for a second, whipped out a bottle of Coke, drank it down, put the cap back on, pulled out a pistol and shot the Canadian.

The Texan said "WHY DID YOU DO THAT!?!"

"Where I come from, Canadians are plentiful, and bottles will get ya' $0.10 return on deposit."

[stumpy wallace]

if you want to go down that trail even more...

There's an American, a Russian, and a Peurto Rican on a ship..
The Russian takes two puffs of his cigarette and throws it into the ocean..
Then the Peurto rican says "WHY DID YOU DO THAT!?"
The Russian replies "Where i come from we have plenty of them."
Then the Peurto Rican smokes half a joint and throws it overboard into the ocean..
The Russian says "NOW WHY DID YOU DO THAT!?"
The Peurto Rican replies "Where i come from we have plenty of them."
Then the American smokes one whole joint and one whole cigarrete and throws the Peurto Rican overboard...
The russian says "NOW WHY THE HECK DID YOU DO THAT!!!!?"
The american replies "Where i come from we have plenty of them."

PS>
I do not mean to offened anyone by this joke....

[Scyon]

A bit of military humor... an oldie but goodie

THE RULES OF COMBAT

1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
3. Don’t look conspicuous; it draws fire.
4. The easy way is always mined.
5. Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.
6. Professionals are predictable; it’s the amateurs that are dangerous.
7. The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions:
1. When you are ready for them.
2. When you aren’t ready for them.
8. Teamwork is essential. It gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
9. If you can’t remember, the claymore is pointed at you.
10. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
11. Don’t draw fire; it irritates the people around you.
12. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
13. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
14. If it’s stupid but works, it’s not stupid.
15. When in doubt empty the magazine.
16. Never share a foxhole with someone braver than you.
17. Anything you do can get you shot, including doing nothing.
18. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can’t get out.
19. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
20. A Purple Heart just proves you were smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
21. Don’t ever be the first, don’t ever be the last and never, ever volunteer to do anything.
22. The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
23. Five-second fuses only last three seconds.
24. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.

[Scyon]

RULES OF COMBAT by branch of service


Marines

1. Bring a weapon. Preferably, bring at least two. Bring all of your friends who have weapons. Bring their friends who have weapons.
2. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
3. Only hits count. Close doesn't count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.
4. If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough, nor using cover correctly.
5. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal movement are preferred.)
6. If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a big weapon and a friend with a big weapon.
7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived and who didn't.
8. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running.
9. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting is more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the weapon.
10. Use a weapon that works EVERY TIME. "All skill is in vain when an Angel pisses in the flintlock of your musket."
11. Someday someone may kill you with your own weapon, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
12. In combat, there are no rules: always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
13. Have a plan.
14. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.
15. Use cover or concealment as much as possible. The visible target should be in FRONT of YOUR weapon.
16. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
17. Don't drop your guard.
18. Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees.
19. Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep your hands where I can see them).
20. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
21. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.
22. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
23. Be polite. Be professional. But have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
24. Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.
25. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with a ".4."

Army

1. See Marines rules for combat
2. Add 60 to 90 days
3. Hope the Marines already destroyed all meaningful resistance

Navy

1. Spend three weeks getting somewhere
2. Adopt an aggressive offshore posture
3. Send in the Marines
4. Drink coffee
5. Bring back the Marines

Air Force

1. Kiss the spouse good-bye
2. Drive to the flight line
3. Fly to target area, drop bombs, fly back
4. Pop in at the club for a couple of beers with the guys
5. Go home, BBQ some burgers and drink some more beer

Coast Guard

1. Wonder what all the hubub is about
2. Go fishing

[Druhsk]

nice reading Scyon, thanks!

[Flanker]

LOL Scyon thats the best one yet

[stumpy wallace]

LOL

[Magickid2002]

I think I'm gonna regret joining the marines in a year. I'm just glad I'm not in the coast guard. LOL

[Scyon]

I'm glad you liked them. Being in the military means being able to laugh at yourslef on a daily basis.

[stumpy wallace]

i do that without being in the army

[kerosene]

Subject: Quick Quiz...


The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you
are qualified to be a "manager". The questions are not that difficult.

How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?


The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and
close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple
things in an overly complicated way.

How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?


Wrong Answer : Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close
the refrigerator.
Correct Answer : Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in
the elephant and close the door.
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.


The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend
except one. Which animal does not attend?


Correct Answer : The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator.
This tests your memory.

OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly,
you still have one more chance to show your abilities.

There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles.
How do you manage it?


Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending
the Animal Meeting!
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Andersen Consulting World wide, around 90% of the
professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many
pre-schoolers got several correct answers. Andersen Consulting
says this conclusively disproves the theory that most management
consultants have the brains of a four year old

[Sassy]

[stumpy wallace]

that was an EZ quiz kero other than the fact that ive heard it about eight times... u shouldn't have gave the answers away.

nice pic sassy

[Lo Ki]

They forgot one of the most important rules of combat.
Always remember your weapon was made by the lowest bidder!

[Sassy]

Always remember your weapon was made by the lowest bidder!

Dang, I never thought of it quite that way before