Joke thread revisited

Scyon · Post by **Scyon** » Mon Mar 31, 2003 10:22 pm

For all you dads out there that are blessed with little girls, here is the flyer for all the wannabe boyfriends...

TEN RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER:

1. If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as hell not picking anything up.

2. You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your hands and eyes off of my daughter's body, I will remove them for you.

3. I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their pants so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open-minded about this issue, so I propose a compromise: you may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your pants do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

4. I'm sure that you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier and I WILL kill you.

5. You may think that in order for us to get to know each other we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need to hear from you on this subject is "early".

6. I have no doubt that you are a popular fellow with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I'll make you cry.

7. As you stand in my front hallway waiting for my daughter to appear and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for a movie you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful like changing the oil in my car?

8. The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
* Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool
* Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight
* Places where there is darkness
* Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness
* Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything else other than a boiler suit, a sweater, and an Arctic-grade parka zipped to her throat
* Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay
* Hockey games are okay; old folks homes are better

9. Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter I am the all-knowing merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going, when you will be back and with whom, you have one chance, and one chance only, to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

10. Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight, speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, and then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camoflauged face in the window is mine.

Sassy · Post by **Sassy** » Mon Mar 31, 2003 10:23 pm

Ooh.....those are good

Neuslayer · Post by **Neuslayer** » Mon Mar 31, 2003 10:41 pm

OMG Scyon!!!! Those are hilarious. And oh so appropriate!!!!

Uoe, are you taking notes?

stumpy wallace · Post by **stumpy wallace** » Mon Mar 31, 2003 11:27 pm

i think i broke 7 of those

Magickid2002 · Post by **Magickid2002** » Mon Mar 31, 2003 11:33 pm

that is so not fair. I am a well manared 17 year old boy and I obey all those and yet the parents still like me..... oh wait I forgot saturday night was bad... oops. I hoep her da d doesn't find out.

Gesen. but only one rule was broken the whole touching thing.

Tynerion · Post by **Tynerion** » Tue Apr 01, 2003 2:52 am

Yep.. I am a father of a 14 year old.. and I had these tattoo'd on my daughters chest...

Ok.. and don't forget, the one where I take every prospect to the back yard and show them what my shotgun with 3.14 inch shells can do to a watermelon making a definite reference between that and the boys head.

That seems to work pretty good..

And Magick... I don't care if you are Ghandi... If you are with my daughter.. you are Satan incarnate..

Magickid2002 · Post by **Magickid2002** » Tue Apr 01, 2003 3:03 am

so wait shes 14 and you guys happen to live in northern cali or in any of the surronding states. lol j/k dont hurt me. I looking out for my brother.

gesen.

Pee-Wee · Post by **Pee-Wee** » Tue Apr 01, 2003 5:19 am

Hmmmm Magic, I think everyone knows your views on women. heheh we read the "Point system for grading men" posts.

Magickid2002 · Post by **Magickid2002** » Tue Apr 01, 2003 7:16 pm

See pee wee those aren't my views on women I was having fun. I like to give Nyla such a ahrd time because of what happened between her and a friend and I got caught up inthe middle of it. I actually respect women more then anybody here probally thinks. HEHE. see this is all in good fun.
And another thing is that I only broke one rule yuo broke 7 of them buddy. whats up now.

gesen

Pee-Wee · Post by **Pee-Wee** » Tue Apr 01, 2003 9:47 pm

I know Magic

I'm just teasin.

Nyla_Tiarra · Post by **Nyla_Tiarra** » Tue Apr 01, 2003 9:54 pm

Gesen........ what are you talking about ? which friend ? PM me with that info.

also, you can't fool me......... i can see the real you.