clan joke thread

stumpy wallace · Post by **stumpy wallace** » Fri Mar 21, 2003 3:16 am

i think we r all in need of some god laughs..... ill get this thing started.....

God populated the earth with vegetables of all kinds,so that man would live long and healthy life.
And satan created the 99-cent double cheeseburger. And satan said to man, "want fries with that?" And man said, "supersice them!" And man gained pounds.
And god created healthful yogurt, and satan froze the yogurt, and brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored candy to put on top. And man gained more pounds.
And god brought forth running shoes, and man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And satan brought forth cable television, remote control, and potato chips. And man clutched his remote and ate those chips. Satan saw this and said, "it is good."
And man went into cardiac arrest. And god sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And Satan created HMOs...

thunderblade · Post by **thunderblade** » Fri Mar 21, 2003 4:47 am

ummmm isnt pee wee enough :BIG:

keep up the good work

Sassy · Post by **Sassy** » Fri Mar 21, 2003 5:06 am

If you have children you will probably relate to this father...

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.

The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. "Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.

I love mustard.

I had no napkin.

I licked it off.

It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.

Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard "Poupon.'"

Pee-Wee · Post by **Pee-Wee** » Fri Mar 21, 2003 5:54 am

Ok, since I made a crack at Blondes the other day... It's only fair I post this joke.

A blonde was taking a flight from LA to New York, and was looking forward to having a nice long nap on the way. Shortly after takeoff, the man next to her asks "Would you like to play a game?".

"No" she replied.

"Oh, but it's quite fun, and quite simple. You ask me a question, if I don't know the answer, I give you five dollars. Then I ask you a question, if you don't know the answer, you give ME five dollars."

"I'm tired" she replied, and put her head against the window to sleep.

"Ok" the man said "How about THIS. I'll ask you a question, if you don't know the answer, you give me five dollars. Then, you ask me a question, if I don't know the answer, I'll give you five HUNDRED dollars."

The blonde, quite tired finally gave in and said yes.

"I'll go first" the man said.

"What is the distance from the earth to the sun in INCHES?"

Without saying a word, the blonde reached into her pocketbook and handed the man a five, and put her head against the window to sleep.

"WAIT!" the man said "You still have to ask me a question. If I don't know the answer, I have to give you five hundred dollars."

So, the blonde lifted her head, thought long and hard and said "Ok, what goes UP a hill with 3 legs, but comes DOWN a hill with 4 legs?" then she put her head against the window to sleep.

The man immediatly took out his laptop computer and connected it to the on board phone. He dialed up the library of congress, he dialed up every known database, he phoned every friend, trying had to find the answer to the question.

Hours passed, and the man, looking quite irritated, finally said "FINE, I don't know the answer!" and handed the woman five hundred dollars.

The blonde then put her head against the window to sleep.

"WAIT!" said the man... "You HAVE to tell me. What DOES go up a hill with 3 legs and comes down with 4 legs???"

Without saying a word, the blonde reached in her pocketbook and handed the man another five.

Sassy · Post by **Sassy** » Fri Mar 21, 2003 12:40 pm

Post by **Panzerfaust** » Fri Mar 21, 2003 1:02 pm

I was visiting Madrid a few years back and was lucky enough to be the honored guest at a bull fight.

Well, the bull lost.

After the event, we went to a restaurant that was visited by the honorary guests. I think the name was "Torro Caca", but i'm not sure.

The waiter told me "You are the special guest senor. We would like to serve you today's special".

I thought it would be rude to turn it down, so I said "ok".

After some light conversation and a few glasses of wine, the waiter brings us our food. I can regonize everyone's dishes, but not mine. Mine was rice and vegetables with to big hunks of meat in the middle.

I asked the waiter "What is this, exactly"?

He said "Those, senor, are cojones".

I said "What?!?".

He said "Si senor. It is customary to server the Bull's testicles to the honored guest".

Well, someone was paying for this and I didn't want to be rude, so I dug in. They were actually very good. (they were cooked by the way).

A few days later, I was invited to attend another bull fight. I could not attend due to prior plans. He told me that he would be no guest of honor if I did not attend.

When I was finished with my prior engagement, I ran down to "Torro Caca" to see if I can get the "Special", since there was no other guest of honor.

"Hola, senor!", the waiter said.

I asked "Is the a chance I could get the special".

"Of course, senor"

w00t!

When they arrived, I noticed that the hunks of meat were considerably smaller.

I dug in to one of them, before the waiter returned.

When he did come back, I asked "Why are these so much smaller than the first time"

"Well senor, the bull doesn't always lose"

Sassy · Post by **Sassy** » Fri Mar 21, 2003 1:12 pm

Flanker · Post by **Flanker** » Fri Mar 21, 2003 3:47 pm

BOOOOO Panz

Pyreal Girl · Post by **Pyreal Girl** » Fri Mar 21, 2003 3:51 pm

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either
side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while
holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into
mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat
in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding
rear paws tightly with left hand.Force jaws open and push pill
to back of mouth with right forefinger.Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold
front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse
to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into
mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil
wrap.

Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep
shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for
gluing later.

Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head
just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw,
force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1
beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and
remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open
another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to
leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert sthingy. Flick
pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back
another shot. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across
the road.

Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to
avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden
twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by
large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head
vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and
forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture
shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring
local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL

1) Wrap it in bacon.

PG

stumpy wallace · Post by **stumpy wallace** » Fri Mar 21, 2003 7:45 pm

A bum asks a man for two dollars. The man says, "if I give you the money, will you buy booze?"
the bum says no
The man asks, "will you gamble"
The bum says no
"then will you come home with me? the man asks "I want my wife to see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble."

stumpy wallace · Post by **stumpy wallace** » Fri Mar 21, 2003 8:18 pm

intellegengce put downs most of them apply to me

know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you one day.

I would ask you how old you are, but I reckon you can't count that high.

I would have like to insult you, but the sad truth is that you wouldn't understand me.

If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable.

If you were twice as smart as you are now, you'd be absolutely stupid..

I'm blonde. What's your excuse?

I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.

She has reached rock bottom and shows signs of starting to dig.

Sit down, give your mind a rest - it obviously needs it.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but it looks like this guy just gargled.

Some folks are so dumb, they have to be watered twice a week.

That man is cruelly depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

What he is lacking in intelligence, he more than makes up for in stupidity.

When I look into your eyes, I see straight through to the back of your head.

Whom am I calling 'stupid'? Good question. I don't know. What is your name?

Your mind isn't so much twisted as badly sprained.

Your verbosity is exceeded only by your total stupidity.

Druhsk · Post by **Druhsk** » Fri Mar 21, 2003 11:34 pm

This is why math is taught in school.

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right infront of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way to work. That's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper to bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these -- that's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.

That means EVERY SINGLE DAY I drive past at least one female who has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS and is armed.

Flip one off? ....... I think not..

stumpy wallace · Post by **stumpy wallace** » Sat Mar 22, 2003 12:30 am

stumpy wallace · Post by **stumpy wallace** » Sat Mar 22, 2003 12:34 am

u want math ok........

The guy who created the SAT tests died recently
at the age of 97, when his car was going 10 MPH
collided with a train that was going 60 MPH

DL · Post by DL » Sat Mar 22, 2003 6:43 am

I'm blonde. What's your excuse?

OMG....roflmao

this is tooooooooo funny...too bad we know a blonde never thought this excuse up!!!

This cracks me up...I can't imagine a blonde saying this...hahahahahaa